Weddings.

Not having surgery last week faired really well for me. I got to eat that glorious sourdough bread, go to Crossfit but probably more importantly I got to fly to New York for a friends wedding. Two of my best friends live on the east coast. Both of them were considering flying out to see me but how much more convenient for us all that I already had a plane ticket to NYC. Granted I had to move up my return flight to accommodate doctors appointments, lab draws, and scans but still it was important for me to see their faces and squeeze them. 
I was picked up from JFK by two friends and a pizza in the back seat. Things couldn’t have gone smoother. We had a lazy Saturday morning in my friends apartment talking and sharing our hearts and random stories from our lives. We got ready for the wedding and took the drive to upstate New York. It was beautiful. The wedding ceremony was actually really enjoyable and authentic, which, let’s face it is rare. The speaker spoke of the Lords timing. Of course, completely irrelevant to my circumstances. I teared up kind of a lot. 
It was so wonderful to be there and witness something amazing that God had done bringing this couple together. But again there was amazing support in the prayers and the hugs of yet a different community. I’ve been visiting my friends in NYC for the past 7 years dipping in and out of her life, the lives of her friends and the lives of the people in her small close knit church. So when they got the news they were pretty heavy hearted. But we’re supporting me in prayer and sending me love. So in part, I came out to New York with the intention of encouraging them, letting them see my face and know that I had a peace. My peace is like a banner I wave. Yeah, I have cancer but I have peace because I know that no matter what happens my God will make good come out of it. I want every one to know that. But I escpecially want people who are praying for me to know it. 
I caught up with so many friends and updated friends that didn’t know. I can’t lie to people I know who genuinely care and say to me how are you what’s new? Suddenly cancer isn’t just what’s in my head and in the background but it’s all I’m talking about. A lot of people already knew and they broached the subject warily as though talking about it would make me cry or they would damage some delicate resolve I had. They talked about it as though they were afraid for me. Many were sorry I had to go through it. There were lots of tears. But I felt like a majority of them walked away feeling better about it and with a touch of my peace and hope. I was able to make contact with a friend who is a radiation doctor for liver and rectal cancer. I was kind of excited to ask a lot of questions I’ve been somewhat scared to ask. He sees patients in more dire straights than me so he had some good perspectives for me. But I could see this undercurrent of fear in things he said. 
I’m sure it isn’t fear in the sense of they’re literally afraid. But it was more of a universal undercurrent of fear. I’ve spoken before of feeling hunted by a spirit of fear. While I feel tons of peace, it’s not without a fight. I told you how I’m not letting myself think about the “what if’s”. I’m staying present. My community gets it. They want updates but no one is sprinting into worst case senarios. These people are not my people, they aren’t part of my community. They’re not on the same emotional page as I am and I could see fear and pity on everyone’s face. It was exhausting and unnerving. But it was more the undercurrent, this spirit of fear that wanted to get my attention. Don’t dismiss it soon enough and it’s like opening the door a crack and then it gets blocked open and a flood comes in. And you’re overwhelmed. 
Well that kinda happened. Suddenly, I was freaked out about my scans coming up. Maybe they would find nodules in my lungs. Maybe it would be in my lymph nodes or maybe the chemo wouldn’t work. Maybe it would spread. Maybe I would need to have chemo and surgery for years and years. Maybe I’d get rid of it and it would come back worse and I’d have to start everything again. Luckily for me, I can call my mom. She made me promise right away I wouldn’t hide my fears or dark thought to protect her. So when the anxiety started to choke me because I was exhausted from smiling and dancing and drinking like a million liters of water I called my mom. 
Interlude. As I was about to board the plane to JFK my oncologist called me to say my creatinine was high. Also known as, I wasn’t hydrating enough. Also known as, I was stressing out my kidneys. Also known as, if I didn’t start seriously flushing my kidneys I woulnt be able to take the contrast. Also known as, I wouldn’t be able to get a CT of my chest next week. Also known as, I’d have to wait to make sure I don’t have more cancer. So I’m supposed to be drinking 3-4 liters of water everyday. How is this not killing my kidneys? I have to pee like a million and a half times a day. I hate it. 
Back to the story at hand. My mom is the most amazing woman on this side of the planet. Everyone says so. So I called her and told her how I was feeling. Maybe I kinda started crying, but she didn’t crumble along with me. It was like my words fortified something inside her. She said nothing of pity, nothing of agreement, she told me I’d lost perspective. “You’re not in a fight against cancer. You’re in a fight for you’re heart.” Man my mom knows me. I was able to slam the door on fear. Kick the spirit of fear to the curb. I am so deeply loved by my God and He only has good things for this. I’d lost sight of that. Fear gets you all blurry. But my mom cut through it. Moms are the best. 
I’m on my flight home to LA. At crossfit that night, I missed Weight lifting and I missed all the squats in the regular wod. Hate hate hate that. My wod BFF text me though that she’s going to have wrist surgery and wants to test out PRs of all her lifts yessssssssssss!!!!!!!! Super stoked for that.